


A Lovely bundle of Catnip

by ScotCoyjedii



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Female Bilbo, Grumpy Thorin, Hobbits v Catnip, Mild Cursing, Pranks and Practical Jokes, clueless dwarves, unbetaed, who wins?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3903646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella never really mentioned any allergies, after dinner one night she starts acting weird. PS: only two people know she's a female, herself and Gandalf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lovely bundle of Catnip

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I did this ...but here it is.  
> I own Nothing!
> 
> Trigger warning: implied drugs

It all started early one day into our venture well technically it started after dinner the previous day. The Hobbit didn't have first watch so he laid out his bed roll and fell asleep a top some weird looking plants nothing poisonous I guess. If it was poison ivy it would have leaves of three with a shine to there pointy leaves. You can't mistake it if you know what to look for same goes for poison oak and poison sumac. 

 

I admit that I woke up in surprise very early with my Tookish side completely in control telling me to use the shaving cream bottle that keeps my whipped cream cool and unassuming. I only had a little left half the can left. Why not prank Thorin?

 

Fíli and Kíli had last watch. I went over to Fíli and told him what I was planning whispering into his ear, he handed me his hunting knife. With a grin plastered on his face he whispered the plan into Kíli's ear getting a grin ear to ear from him. Carefully padding over noticing Thorin's one arm spread out from the bed roll of his. He was in a deep sleep, not for long(I was grinning internally at the very notion). Spraying the foamy white sugary goodness in the splayed arms hand. Before carefully positioning myself near his head holding the knife but the not sharp part of the blade. Lightly touching his head with the pommel by dragging it across before withdrawing the pommel, he swatted 'it' away with his free hand grumbling something unintelligible. I did the same thing a second time this time it worked he slapped himself in the face with the sugary goodness that once was in his hand. I took to running dropping the knife nearby just as Thorin woke with a start.

 

"FÍLI!!!!!!" Thorin roared getting up stalking over to the laughing forms of his nephews. They were laughing so hard they were crying.

 

Returning the whipped cream to my pack just as Fíli was lifted a foot off the ground by the shirt being shaken like a ragdoll. I was choking I was laughing so hard.

 

"You!"

 

"'You' has a name mister Thorin."

 

"You did this?!!!"

 

"Yes, it was worth the look on your face." I said doing the square thing with my hands his face in the middle. "Priceless." Dropping my hands as a sick grin was on my face. He dropped his nephew and lunged towards the Hobbit waking everyone up. Missing repeatedly as the voices and terrible scuffle that did unfold woke everyone up with a start with me jumping over dodging him as he slid into the dwarves sleeping bags. The guy was a mad man, his fury made him blind and as loony as my great Aunt Rosie's fruitcakes (those things are still around even decades later after she died).

 

"It was?!"Thorin screeched his voice cracked, _now that wasn't very majestic was it?_

 

"I say it was, my name is Bilbo not 'you' , 'burglar', or 'the hobbit'. Burglarizing is kind of illegal, and hobbit is my species, you inconsolable stubborn ass dwarf king! You aren't even close to a gentlemen, no wonder your unmarried." That made him and a few others flinch. "Because who the fuck could put up with your emotional constipation day in and day out?! No one that's who. Rudeness I can put up with, everything else too, except the fact you think that just because he's royalty you owe him? He's not infallible so what he's a dwarf lord big damn deal." I scoffed earning the anger and dismay from many of the dwarves who thought they befriended Bilbo. **_They were wrong, they only managed to get on Bilbo's good side._** Now here he is tearing there king a new one.

 

"Everything that has happened to the dwarves to this point Thorin Oakenshield was _entirely self-inflicted!_ " Bilbo roared at Thorin who froze not expecting that realization. It never occurred to any of them that is what happened and that is the way history would directly imply it as being. 

 

"Bilbo...I..." Kíli mewed as Bilbo handed Fíli his knife back. 

 

Stalking off she climbed up a nearby tree out of sight from camp smoking her pipe in its branches still very much angry at those insufferable dwarves. Watching the sun rise from the branches. Noticing a green plant clinging to my shirt that wasn't part of the tree.

 

"Catnip." Was all I said knowing the smell anywhere even in dim light. 

 

It wasn't until a few days later they found out why while walking the pony's to a suitable place to graze,unfortunately Kíli tripped him on purpose. And down the hill he tumbled. With a whole lotta 'ows', 'fuck', 'ow damn the owch' along the way. 

 

"Bilbo? You okay?" Bofur ran after him.

 

Thorin like Bofur was stunned by what he saw the hobbit was laughing,twisting in odd positions, and rolling around in some weird plant . Óin came down to check if Bilbo needed to be checked for injury.

 

"Bilbo? What are you doing?"Thorin nearly choked on his words. What was happening to the burglar? 

 

"So much catnip... so many colors." Bilbo purred.

 

"What?"Thorin snapped he was stunned.

 

"You failed to mention that 'he' was a 'she'."Óin said after pulling Bilbo away from the catnip.

 

"What?!!!"Thorin was bloody furious now.

 

"You've be'n dup'd mis'er Oak'nshield." She slurred as she smiled crookedly.

 

Loosing some extra padding she used to conceal her impressive set of cleavage that had Kíli and Fíli gawking like thirty year old's again. 

 

"Catnip for some hobbits has the effect of getting drunk and high all at once depending on whether its a sprout or a full grown plant." Gandalf explained.

 

"So she lost her inhibition when she told Thorin the damn truth that one morning?"Nori asked. Gandalf simply nodded.

 

"She's going to have a hangover or just crash?"Dori giggled.

 

"Crash."Ori made a bet with his older Ri brother.

 

"You really are smoking hot Thorin." Belladonna Bilba Baggins II said to Thorin.

 

 

"That was cute."Fíli teased his uncle. 

 

"How do I respond to that?" Thorin asked shocked. 

 

A day later she comes down from it with a ear splitting hangover.

 

"Hangover?"

 

"Lets not talk about it. Its almost as bad as me nearly marrying Lotho Sackville-Baggins. Or Olo Boffin."

 

"Why 'nearly'?"

 

"Because," She gave Fíli a toothy grin. "I didn't love them and I left them at the altar. Olo was the first one to nearly marry me. Control freak, to a tee he put locks on my cabinet's, all of them. Lotho didn't do that though he was only in it for my smial."

 

"Is that normal for hobbit's?"

 

"Either you get married or not at all. My mother was the favorite eldest daughter of Old Took."

 

"Was it twelve or fifteen?"

 

"You know I can't quite remember Gandalf. I have too many family members."

 

"Twelve?!" The dwarves sputtered in unison all thirteen of them. Minus Bifur who obviously said it in Khuzdul.

 

"Is that even safe?"

 

"My mother only had me." I said. 

 

"And nearly died because of me." I added under my breath.

 

"Why would you say that?" Thorin asked he was right next to her on Minty.

 

"I don't want to talk about it." I said.

 

"What is a Took?"

 

"Hobbit family from the Great Smials in Tookborough, Old Took was my grandfather the former Thane of the Shire."

 

"Would that make you a Princess?" Thorin asked.

 

"For Yavanna's sake Thorin! We don't do that in the Shire, we don't have royalty at all. Its un-respectable to say we do because it isn't true. We don't have a word for royalty in Hobbitish....I probably shouldn't have said that." 

 

"Hobbit-ish?" Thorin drawled finding the word weird.

 

"Figure it out."

 

"Your native language?"

 

"My mother would be rolling in her grave if she knew I told dwarves."

 

"Then again she might be laughing too."

 

"Hobbit's are strange." Fíli laughed.

 

"So are dwarves. Though I think Primelia would love to introduce you to a few of her Hobbit friends."

 

"Wait are you trying to set him up with a woman?"

 

"Or are you gay? Or go both ways. Which is widely accepted in the Shire, minus a few sticks in the mud."

 

"Please stop your too much!" Kíli laughed he was crying he was laughing so hard.

 

"Unless your a virgin?" I teased him lightly.

 

"I'm not."

 

"Well then your more than welcome to return to the Shire anytime after all this is over. I can see you having a very large Harem with your looks."

 

"How can you be certain?"

 

"It takes a lot to make Lobelia Sackville-Baggins swoon and she's married."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
